Change and Fear: The Big Stuff

Change is terrifying, I just want to point that out. Don't ever think you are not meant to be scared of it, some sort of fear is standard when change is involved. Dan Millman (who knows a lot about a lot of things) once said, 'A hero and coward feel the same fear, the hero just acts differently'. I think he is mainly right, although I really don't think He-Man was ever scared. The plan is to use the fear as fuel to move forward, take it as a challenge, our emotions do not have to rule our behaviour.

Ok, so...

Moving jobs, leaving relationships, changing cities, starting a course, speaking your mind or having a baby are just a few example of scary change. Blimey, even changing the colour of your hair can seem like a leap of faith (and can end in crisis, thank you Rosey Duffy). It can be so easy to stay stuck in a rut, almost paralyzed in a state of fear. The fear can have so many different causes; fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of fear itself. It is nasty stuff and usually based on false expectations of a negative outcome which is totally irrational and therefore unproductive. It can paralyse even the strongest of people into 'staying put', even when 'staying put' is making them unhappy.

Someone once told me this acronym for fear:


False

Expectations

Appearing

Real


It hits the nail on the head really. Fear is something we create from our own, sometimes outdated beliefs. We often create a belief from something small and insignificant that injured our pride or made us feel bad. To protect ourselves we created a belief that would stop it happening again. But sometimes the block we created as protection is no longer useful or valid and is blocking us from enjoying things that would be really positive in our lives.

When we have a pattern in our life that does not make us feel good or stops us moving forward, it makes total sense that we should want to be rid of it. It seems bizarre that we should continue to think in a way that makes us feel weak or fearful, but funnily enough these patterns of thought can become strangely familiar.

Freshly formed thoughts (often based on one-off experiences) can sink into our psyche and form beliefs that in no time at all feel like they have been with us a lifetime, sort of like old friends. Often it is easier to hide within these false beliefs than to move forward, and to make it even more complicated sometimes we cannot even admit to ourselves that these patterns are are not based on rational thought.

For example:

A young boy, let's say 7 years old, finds a penny on the floor. He likes this penny, it is shiny and copper and totally free. He picks it up and as he brings it closer to his magnifying glass for a more detailed appraisal, he notices just how lovely it is. Suddenly a girl in a red dress with bright blonde hair comes and whips it out of his hand and sticks her tongue out at him. He never trusts a blonde again. Which is ridiculous. Blondes have much more fun, this guy is missing out (Maybe this is turning out to be a bad example). He often says that blondes are cruel, but is not sure why he thinks that, it just sounds right and he believes it. He also thinks that he is unlucky, he often repeats this when people talk about luck. Repeating it makes it more and more real and harder to dismiss.

Ok, so this is a silly example, I see that now, but I sort of like it due to its silliness so we shall keep it in.

You get the idea.

A friend of mine used to always refer to himself as lucky. I used to think, wow, how great you think that, I'm not! So, I started to say it too, 'I'm lucky', and then I started to believe it, and now I know it's true. Was it ever not true? Is it true now? I don't know. All I know is that feeling lucky is brilliant. I makes me feel invincible, and all I did was start saying it one day.

Being self deprecating is all well and good, but sometimes you reach the point when you need a bit of a lift and there is no one better at doing that than yourself.

'I'm clever'

'I'm lucky'

'I'm fun'

'I'm GREAT at chess'

Whatever it is, try and say it to others and yourself more often!

Challenging your innate beliefs takes a lot of courage. The way I do it is to look for times where I get particularly animated or annoyed about a matter which does not warrant such a strong reaction and then try to work out why I took the matter so personally. Was I protecting a part of me that was deeply hurt by something a long time ago? Was my argument rational or very biased? Often you can trawl back through your memories and find some reason for your outdated reaction to the matter. Jealousy, fear, anger, pain, longing, rejection and embarrassment are all emotions which can trigger patterns in us.

Of course, the older you are or the longer the particular pattern has been with you, the harder it will be to budge. However, be reassured that with time, if you are really honest with yourself, you can rid yourself of these useless fears and blocks.

You can also understand others and be more compassionate if you look for their blocks too. You do not need to point them out and make a big pseudo-psychological analysis on them, that will be really annoying, but it can stop you getting offended by their behaviour. By realising it is their block or pattern making them behave that way as an attempt to protect themselves, rather than them just being a brat, you can accept them as they are (or at least not take it personally).

So, change is good, fear is natural and there is no better time to start planning than today. As Susan Jeffers so rightly said, 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway'. It really is the only way to be in charge of your life.

Josie